Washington, D.C. – In a special announcement delivered today, Mitt Romney finally offered an explanation for his bank accounts in both Switzerland and the Grand Cayman Islands. News of the secretive accounts surfaced early in the Republican campaign, but they have recently attracted the attention of nosy, liberal haters.
During a conference call on Monday, organized by President Obama, Democrat party leaders planned on discussing the “Buffet Rule.” The proposed tax plan (named after the requirement that customers grab a new plate for every visit to the buffet) would raise taxes for the country’s millionaires. The talk quickly degenerated into an all out “let’s hate on Romney” fest, proving the Democrats can never be happy for other people’s success. Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) was the first to try to slut-shame the former Governor by inquiring, “When is the last time a presidential candidate had a Swiss bank account?” After reminding his peers that “Uhh” is not a valid response, Durbin ventured, “I think the answer is never”; showcasing a typical, leftist work ethic by being too lazy to actually check his facts.
Romney had this to say in response, “My fellow Americans, you might have heard a lot of nasty rumors about me and what I’m doing with my money. The truth is that I do have overseas accounts, but they are not being used as tax shelters. The real reason for those accounts is that I was planning on spending that money on a super secret surprise for everybody after I won the election, and I didn’t want you guys to find out about it. There was going to be fireworks, Rick Santorum was going to do balloon animals, Cain was going to bring pizzas, really special stuff like that. But Durbin and the rest of Obama’s cronies have spoiled it for everyone. What’s the point now that you already know? It wouldn’t be the same. The Democrats might have been trying to make me look bad, but it turns out they’ve only let down the American public once again.”
Showing zero remorse for their actions, the Obama camp continue to use Romney’s finances as a key talking point and are demanding Romney release tax returns from the past 23 years. The GOP presidential candidate selflessly ignored these requests (despite sharing the same exact records with John McCain in 2008), and has even filed an extension for his 2011 returns just to show everyone who’s boss. Romney’s campaign hinted that the money he saves by paying 10% less in taxes than the average American might go to something even better than he was planning before, but that won’t happen if we “keep snooping around.”