Las Vegas, NV – With the excitement of March Madness almost over, Vegas oddmakers have set their sights on something slightly more relevant than unpaid, collegiate athletes: the Republican presidential primaries. The clear favorite for the nomination is Mitt Romney (1 to 20), but the latest batch of odds focuses on another candidate and has a decidedly sexy outlook.
GOP primary candidate, Rick Santorum, is known for his hardline, conservative stance on everything from birth control to pornography. However, Vegas casinos are now accepting bets on whether the outspoken right-winger has any skeletons hiding in his closet and whether they’ll come to light (Actual human skeleton in closet: 37 to 1). Bets can be placed on a variety of potential scandals; ranging from the normal, ultra-conservative traps like sexual harassment of underage, male pages (1 to 5) and clandestine trips to the local gay bar (1 to 30) to the downright bizarre like brother-on-brother incest (69 to 1) or a penchant for Crusades themed role-playing (1 to 13). Gambling experts advise people not to be so skeptical, and encourage those who didn’t win big at Mega Millions and want to try their luck again, to listen to the former Senator’s own words if they need proof. Head bookie for offshoregamblingaddiction.com, Mitch Novac, 62, agrees that making a wager on Santorum’s hinted hang-ups is probably a safer bet than spending a night alone with him:
“You have to think a little more carefully next time he does things like compare gay marriage to man on dog sex. That’s not a normal conclusion for someone to make. It’s our job to recognize these Freudian slips, and then come up with the odds that there is a very real, very disturbing reason that would even be on his mind (Secret marriage to a dog: 58 to 1). Or look at his statements on pornography: Santorum vows to shut down the $4 billion dollar industry if he becomes President and claims porn causes elusive “brain changes.” Sure, scientists haven’t found that to be true, but the man obviously thinks about pornography more than any scientist. Rick might be speaking from personal experience. Maybe he’s been to the dark side and he’s trying to warn us in his own special way (Lead actor in underground, German torture porno: 43 to 1). In any case, if you’re willing to read between the lines and put up a little cash, you could be rewarded handsomely.”
Risk takers can even place bets on what Santorum will be up to after he finally gives up his increasingly pathetic campaign. “Starting a voyeur webcam service with Rush Limbaugh where old conservatives can watch filthy, liberal sluts have protected sex” is your “safe” bet, with the odds at 2 to 1.
Bets on receiving unethical campaign contributions offer no action, since Santorum’s blemished record is already well documented. Fortunately, Santorum has succeeded in making everyone forget about how big of a crook he is by drawing attention to his insanity (“Legally Insane”: 25 to 1), leaving plenty of potential for prizes.
Bookies expect Santorum bets will be big business, as gambling fever continues to ravage the nation after the massive, interstate scam known as the lottery left millions of people without millions of dollars. With imaginative indecencies like “santorum (yes, that kind) fetish” at 7 to 3 odds, it’s projected that 99% of Americans will attempt to cash in on “Sultry” Santorum.