Sanford PD Seeks Help in Mystery of Murdered Texas Satanist

Sanford, FL — Detective Cletus Clanman of the Sanford Police Department is trying to use the maligned department’s current media attention over the Trayvon Martin tragedy to jumpstart a stalled murder investigation by appealing to the public for help.

According to Dectective Clanman, Rick Stewheart of Nacognoches, TX, was found decapitated in his burnt-orange ‘03 Ford pickup truck on the morning of February 10, 2012. A Medical Examiner from nearby Orlando determined the time of death to be approximately midnight, six hours before the victim’s truck was reported for being illegally parked on the lawn of Superiority Southern Baptist Church.

From there, Detective Clanman’s investigation quickly ran ashore.

“I assumed that it must have been Islamic terrorists since they’re the ones always cutting people’s heads off, and on the truck, written in blood, it said, ‘die Satanist scum,’” Detective Clanman stated.

“But after I rounded up all the Islams [sic] I could find, the judge said I had to let them go on account of them all having rock-solid alibis for the time of the murder,” Detective Clanman explained.  “So then I rounded-up a couple of black homosexuals who live nearby ‘cause I figured they must have been involved, but they had alibis too, and so now I’m fresh out of leads.”

Stewheart was passing through Sanford on his way from Nacognoches to visit relatives in Cocoa, FL. According to reports, he stopped at a local tavern for a pitcher of beer and a bacon with cheese and mayo sandwich when he had an altercation with a few of the locals.

Tanya Crawford, the bartender at the Sanford Club Tavern, says she remembers the incident: “He [Stewheart] came in here all swaggering and flashing that devil sign around at people.  He kept saying something about horns and how he was from Texas, and that got on some folks’ nerves, so they told him to cut it out—that’s all.”

Crawford said that the “devil sign” was a fist with the index and pinky fingers extended straight-up, like horns.

According to Crawford, the people who confronted Stewheart about the hand-sign included Pastor Bobby Lee Trucker of Superiority Baptist and several of his parishioners. “That was at about 11:45 pm,” Crawford stated.

Fifteen minutes later, Stewheart would be dead.

Pastor Trucker of Superiority Southern Baptist stated, “We don’t take too kindly to Satanists here. Now, hop into your pagan Prius out there and skedaddle!”

Readers who have any information or theories that might aid authorities in this investigation are encouraged to contact Detective Clanman at the Sanford Police Department.

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