WISCONSIN – A crowd of literally dozens descended upon Lawrence University this past Friday afternoon to hear presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, deliver what he promised would be a “major political announcement.” Riding the momentum of a strong win in Illinois, the GOP primary leader chose the “Harvard of the Midwest” as the first stop of his Wisconsin campaign.
At 2 p.m., Romney took the stage just as the primary voters and political analysts in attendance began to verbally express their disbelief that no one really had anything better to do on a Friday afternoon. After quieting the crowd, and thanking them in a thinly veiled sarcastic tone, the GOP presidential candidate launched into what many consider the greatest speech of his campaign.
“Friends, many of you know what this upcoming Sunday marks for our beloved nation, and the significance it holds for me. I am not speaking of April Fool’s Day, or as I call it, Democrat’s Folly Day. Nor do I speak of the official start of the extremely important April primaries. Those of you who share my same values, know that I am of course speaking about the triumphant return of the excellent series, Game of Thrones. With this momentous event in mind, I have realized it is time for me to make a decisio
n concerning my campaign. Between March 18th, the day the season finale of The Walking Dead aired, and now I have taken an especially hard look at the effects this long campaign on the road has had on my T.V. viewing. And, after consulting with family and top advisors, I have decided to bow out of the race for the Republican nomination, before the suffering becomes more than I can bear. I am sorry, but I am only human. Thank you for your support.”
Romney then took time to answer questions from the decreasing crowd; as most attendees had already begun leaving, following a rumor of half price paninis at the local Perkin’s. Some showed support for Romney’s decision, chanting, “Yeah, those are pretty decent shows, I guess.”
Other’s expressed confusion and anger, questioning why Romney, with a delegate lead over 300, would simply give up. Especially with experts expecting him to easily carry the April primaries, all but ensuring the GOP nomination. Gov. Romney berated them, questioning why they “obviously [couldn’t] afford decent cable;” implying those who were incredulous of his decision didn’t have the financial means to watch the top-rated programs on AMC and HBO. The former potential candidate further implied that if the doubters were not so ignorant, they would stop “watching [their] ‘America’s Biggest Dancer’ or whatever and watch some programming that makes [them] think,” ignoring the fact that many people watch premium cable simply for the full frontal nudity.
Romney responded angrily to other inquiries as to why he “couldn’t just TiVo it like everyone else?”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep an entire team of staffers quiet?! Despite sending an official memo warning my team that I had not seen the last few episodes before the season finale of the Walking Dead, someone came right up to me and asked if I could believe they killed Dale. I was all, “What the f*ck?!” and fired him on the spot. My campaign strategy may be like an Etch-a-Sketch, but my mind is not! I can’t just press a reset and pretend like I didn’t hear that. That a**hole ruined it for me. I haven’t been this mad since my wife told me Bruce Willis’ character was a ghost in “The Sixth Sense” before I watched it.”
This confession led some to theorize that similar motivations may be behind Newt Gingrich’s announcement that he was laying off one-third of his entire staff.
Romney explained he was heading back to Massachusetts immediately, but not before imploring the media not to “bother” him on Saturday, since he had already planned on re-watching the entire first season of Game of Thrones on his “super expensive home entertainment system” in preparation for the second season premiere.