Santorum: “If Total Abstinence Seems Unreasonable, Try Dry Humping”

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In a speech made today in Waukesha, WI to a crowd of young supporters, former Senator Rick Santorum back-pedaled slightly on his “abstinence only” stance. He seemed to be trying to relate to a budding new generation of young adults and their need for sexual intercourse.

“I know how hard it is to wait. Trust me, I know. However, it is worth the wait in the end when you meet that special someone you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. Abstinence only is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancy and diseases from spreading. However I’m hip, I know a thing or two about hormones. That’s why you should know that if total abstinence seems unreasonable, you could and should try dry humping. That way no penetration is occurring, sexual urges are being satisfied, and no one has to lose their virginity or become pregnant at an age they aren’t prepared for. I’ve always been an advocate for abstinence only, but in all honesty this is the next best thing.”

After his speech during a Q&A session with his young supporters Santorum quipped, “Now don’t call me a liberal for thinking this way.” 

It appears Santorum is loosening up quite a bit on this issue. He’s been known off the record to say things like, “hand-jobs are better than no jobs at all,” or “mutual masturbation is where it’s at.” Maybe one day he will accept the fact that sex education classes might just be a smart idea after all. They teach children how to stay safe, as well as preemptively let them know the consequences that may occur with sexual intercourse.

However, for now Santorum believes that the best sex education is a blindfold. He thinks keeping children unexposed, or away from reality will help children grow up to be responsible adults. Who knows? Maybe he’s correct. Maybe we should blindfold our children and push them out into traffic as well… I don’t foresee any problems with that either.

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