At a press conference outside a community center in Hartford, CT yesterday, Mitt Romney once again found himself deflecting questioning from reporters about the recent ‘etch-a-sketch’ gaffe his top adviser made last week while on CNN.
After trying unsuccessfully to shift the subject several times to what he called the ‘dangerously misguided’ economic policies of the current administration, Romney appeared to be losing patience.
“You know what? I’m tired of hearing about the etch-a-sketch thing,” the candidate said finally. “As a matter of fact, I’m just tired all around.”
“How much longer do I have to do this?” he demanded, slamming a fist on the podium in an uncharacteristic display of frustration. “I’m exhausted, I barely have five minutes a day to myself, and we’ve figured out that I’m spending literally $3,000.00 a minute to compete with a couple of also-ran candidates who have refused for months to admit that they’re obviously DOA. I mean, have a lot of money, sure, but not an unlimited supply,” he said, looking wild-eyed.
“Can we just please acknowledge that we’re done here?” Romney pleaded. “Gingrich, Santorum– it’s over! You’re both completely unelectable! It’s not going to be either of you. It’s going to be me! You KNOW I’m right! Just get over it and let me have this one! Please?!”
As the crowd gaped at him, Romney’s expression softened, and his tone became wheedling. “I understand you’ve both been working very hard and that it’s disappointing to have to abandon your presidential aspirations this far into the primaries,” he told his opponents, speaking soothingly into a nearby news camera. “But you’re just making it worse– every day, and for everyone involved. So come on. Let’s be reasonable here.”
He held up his hands. “What’ll it be, guys? Gingrich, you want open marriage legalized? How about a cushy ambassadorship to Bermuda? Can I make you the official Czar of Tiffany & Co? Santorum, how about I promise to ban birth control and same-sex marriage in the five states of your choice? Should I require public school kids to pray and wear sweater vests every day? You want me to force the House and Senate to put on a production of Godspell on the White House lawn? Whatever it takes, let’s work this out now.”
At that point Romney began mumbling unintelligibly into the camera, raising and lowering his voice by turns as though arguing with himself, until finally an aide took him by the arm and led him away. As of press time, Santorum and Gingrich were said to have rejected his offers.