TOPEKA — Kansas Governor Sam Brownback (R) signed legislation this morning that requires women seeking legal abortions to purchase “fetal horoscopes” written by Christian astrologers.
Brownback explained, “Astrology, when combined with a close study of the Holy Bible by a real Christian, can produce telling portraits of the unborn. The State of Kansas wants women to have all of the information possible before making a baby-or-murder choice.”
Under the new law, women in need of an abortion will first have to pay for the consultation of a local or regional Fetal Horoscope Specialist.
Brownback said that the added measure to the state’s already rigid regulation of the legal medical procedure is “absolutely necessary and shouldn’t create any significant hurdles” to abortion access. “We already have Fetal Horoscope Specialists associated with local churches in Kanas City, Topeka, Lawrence, and Wichita,” Brownback stated, “and we are about to certify Pastor Seth Caine of God-in-a-Box Baptist Church in Dodge City to honorably and humbly serve harlots in the western half of the state.”
Topeka’s Fetal Horoscope Specialist, Father Abraham O’Harsh of St. Mary the Virgin’s Church, said that he “learned the science of unborn astrology” at the 2012 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). “I had the chance to learn from the best at CPAC,” he said. “It is actually very simple to plot-out the wonderful lives the unborn will live if only given the chance—and the process ensures 100% accuracy, medical and otherwise, so everyone wins.”
O’Harsh stated that the fee for the service is “very reasonable—only a mere $1,999. Of course, we have financial aid for women who can’t afford the service; all they need do is promise not to get an abortion.” When questioned about the fairness of the fee and the “financial aid” policy, O’Harsh countered, “The law says that the fee is at our discretion to charge, and the law is the law, after all, so why should we be held back from exercising our legal rights as we see fit?”
An anonymous woman who received a fetal horoscope from Father O’Harsh stated, “He unrolled a long scroll that was covered with zodiac signs and religious iconography; at the center of the chart was a woman with a big, round belly, and inside her belly was a baby girl. He said the woman was me, and the baby was destined to fall in love with a prince and become a princess, and I would be an evil witch-wife of Satan of to have an abortion because, he said, my doctors are wrong about my rape-pregnancy being life-threatening.”
Father O’Harsh explained, “We want women to know the truth, and my special training takes the guessing out of the process.”