WASHINGTON, DC – Mississippi has become the first state ever in danger of being kicked-out of the USA. Senator Angela Rodriguez (D) of Manhattan, KS, has brought legislation to the floor that would strip Mississippi of its statehood while granting it to Puerto Rico.
Senator Rodriguez explained, “There are a number of reasons to cut Mississippi loose: for example, its abysmal education system, rampant racist ignorance, and social stratification make it more like a third-world nation than a part of the USA. And have you ever been to Puerto Rico? It’s really a no-brainer.”
Republicans in the House and the Senate have vowed to keep Mississippi in the Union and are proposing counter legislation to have the White House moved to Picayune, MS.
Majority leader Eric Cantor explained, “Mississippi is the moral, intellectual, and cultural anchor of our great nation and a shining example of what the GOP and Tea Party would like to do to all of America. Those who want to replace Mississippi with the communist-pagan-terrorist nation of Puerto Rico are clearly trying to make the US a subject of the Cuban empire.”
President Obama, however, has already said he will veto any effort to move the White House to Picayune and hinted that he would be in favor of swapping Puerto Rico for “the Hospitality State” when he suggested that Mississippi’s nickname is “an example of Orwellian doublespeak.”
Mississippians are already crying foul. Citing the state’s overwhelming dependency on federal tax dollars, they claim that cutting the state off from the redistribution of US wealth would cause it to sink into rapid socioeconomic decline.
Governor Phil Bryant (R) explained, “The people of Mississippi are not sheeple; they fight all state and local taxes tooth and nail because they don’t want government interfering in their lives; therefore, we need federal tax dollars to build and maintain infrastructure and basic human services.”
When questioned about the fate of Mississippi, Senator Rodriguez suggested, “Maybe Mississippi should try to become part of Mexico.”