Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob, the stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting”, were watching the evening news one night last week when a report on a recently proposed bill to limit employer coverage of contraception came on.
“Jim Bob tried to change the channel, like he always does when something upsetting comes on the news,” said Michelle, “but for some reason, I stopped him. The urge to find out what that story was about was so strong that I wrestled the remote right out of his hand.”
Duggar now believes this sudden impulse was an act of God. Watching the news, she was stunned to learn that there are methods currently available for preventing pregnancy.
“There are apparently pills, and barrier devices, and all sorts of other wonderful ways that can keep your female organs from becoming a revolving door for miracle after God’s blessed miracle,” she said. “I mean, can you imagine the freedom of being able to control the number of births you have? Praise the Lord!”
Her husband opened his mouth to comment, and she slapped him hard across the face.
“I shouted at him, ‘Jim Bob, did you know it didn’t have to be this way?!’” she said. “I mean, here I’ve been wearing maternity pants for two decades. I’ve breastfed enough kids for an ice-hockey team. It didn’t seem right somehow, but I figured that was God’s plan: for my body to be a baby factory. For my female parts to function as a portal from another world filled with tiny beings whose names start with the letter ‘J’.”
Jim Bob cowered next to her on the couch and covered his head as his wife continued.
“And now I’m learning that God’s plan could have included me being able to sleep in for one $*#(@!ing morning in the last twenty years?!” she said, her voice rising to a shriek.
While much of Michelle’s commentary after that point involved language that cannot be printed in this newspaper, she did have one statement that she wanted to make sure was published.
“Women,” she said, standing in the middle of the living room with one foot planted firmly on Jim Bob’s neck as a dozen children of various ages crouched around them and whimpered in fear, “I know now that we have a choice. It may be too late for me—but it is not too late for many of you. Don’t let this terrible legislation pass. Stand up for yourselves, and for your right to be provided with the medical resources and dignity that you, as human beings, deserve.”
As of press time, Duggar had filed for separation from Jim Bob and scheduled an appointment to be fitted with an IUD.