New iPad Has the Ability to Love You Back

This week Apple introduced an updated version of the iPad 2.  Referred to simply as the iPad, the new device boasts a crisp high-definition screen, longer battery life, and the capacity for genuine, loving affection.

“We’ve improved the camera feature,” said Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, during the dramatic unveiling ceremony on Wednesday.  “We’ve made the screen 11% wider.  But most importantly, we’ve made it possible for your relationship with your iPad to finally become one of mutual respect and admiration.”

Cook paused to brush away a tear.  “The new iPad just cares about you so much,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Industry insiders have noted that while the new device is slightly heavier than the current model, it is also 100% more adoring.

With processing speeds up to four times faster than the iPad 2 and an astonishingly high-resolution screen, the new iPad is predicted to love its users with a speed and clarity rivaling that of any living creature, or any other tablet currently on the market.

“We here at Apple think it’s important that a device that users spend long periods of time gazing at, caressing lovingly and developing a strong emotional attachment to should be able to return those feelings,” read a company press release.  “As a result, we’ve been hard at work developing cutting-edge technologies which push the boundaries of science, technology, and feelings.  The result?  An incredible new iPad that loves you almost as much as you love it.”

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