Now that Maryland is Gay Marryland, Heterosexual Marriages All Over The State Are Falling Apart

In a devastating turn of events, ever since Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley signed the marriage equality bill into effect, heterosexual marriages all over the state have begun falling apart.

“They said it would happen, but we didn’t believe them,” said Mary Goodlope, a Maryland resident and marriage equality supporter. “We thought it was all just rhetoric, but now it’s happening everywhere. Even my marriage seems to be taking a turn for the worse. We should have never allowed homosexuals the same rights as everyone else. Look at what has happened! It’s catastrophic!” 

It seems Mary Goodlope is correct. In a recent poll, nearly 85% of all heterosexual marriages in Maryland are headed towards divorce court. Governor O’Malley has declared a state of emergency in the state over the recent events, and has profusely apologized for wanting equality and dignity for all. He admits that he should’ve listened to the religious zealots after all because they apparently knew what they were talking about.

When asking presidential hopeful Rick Santorum what he thinks about the recent events in Maryland he responded with a simple, “I told you so.” 

Hopefully Maryland will be able to recover from such a cataclysmic outcome to marriage equality. There is no known reason why all these heterosexual marriages are breaking up, but they just are. Let this be a lesson to all other states… Gay marriage will destroy your heterosexual marriage. We’re not exactly sure how, but it will.

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