$6 Million Donated to Rebuild Gingrich Campaign

A former Director of the now defunct  OSI (Office of Scientific Intelligence) Oscar Goldman has been asked by some GOP officials to help rebuild the Gingrich campaign. Goldman pledged $6 million dollars towards the project and is so confident he can do it that he pledged to use only 1970’s technology to do it. Mr. Goldman has convinced two former OSI operatives to aid him, due to national security reasons we are not able to use their names but we do know one is a former USAF Colonel and Astronaut and the other is a retired school teacher. Mr. Goldman has released the following statement, “ I was asked by several GOP officials and industrialists to help revive Newt Gingrich’s lagging campaign. We are confident we have the technology to rebuild Newt Gingrich, we have the ability to make him faster, stronger and hopefully less prone to bizarre behavior. I worked closely with Speaker Gingrich in the early 1980’s while I was the Director of the OSI, we worked closely on matters of intelligence and agency funding. I owe much of my success to Speaker Gingrich’s assistance and I feel a debt of gratitude to help him in return. I’ve been the sole caretaker of the former OSI facility where we still have a surplus 1970’s cybernetic technology that we can use to enhance Speaker Gingrich’s abilities. The only problem with the technology is that the recipient is prone to use 70’s idioms and for some unknown reason an irresistible desire to wear leisure suits. We’ve been working tirelessly for a solution to that programming glitch. We’ve convinced some of our technicians and operatives to leave retirement though many are in their mid to late seventies but they’re ready for one last hurrah and agreed to do it to show that 1970’s technology was and is on par with twenty-first century digital technology. We are going to show that we are still relevant and that the past is not dead. We as you younger generation say, still have some groovy things to turn you on to and you will see that our generation will not just go quietly into the night.”

We were fortunate enough to obtain evidence of these claims in the form of a photograph smuggled out of the former OSI facility near Ojai, California. In the photograph we can see Newt Gingrich being implanted with cybernetic technology also known in the 70’s as bionic implants. We’ll have to wait and see if these new developments will invigorate the Gingrich campaign or lead it the way of the 8 track.

 

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