Santorum Details Peace Talks With Satan

Rick Santorum is currently underway developing a new peace strategy with Satan. He thoroughly believes that Satan himself is a direct terrorist threat to the United States of America. He has even stated that “Satan has his sights on the United States of America!” He is steadfast in his approach to rid the nation of Satan and his comrades.

Santorum is being very careful devising his plan for peace talks with the Devil. He knows that Satan can be very tricky and deceiving, and he will have to watch and listen to every detail during the peace negotiations.

“Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition.”

Free Wood Post was able to catch up with Satan for the rebuttal and defense of his actions:

“What Rick needs to understand is that I’m not trying to attack America, but rather offer an alternative to the strict theological rules of my old boss, the Notorious G.O.D. From what I hear and have read, the United States even allows for people to worship me if they so choose. It’s pretty neat that they have freedom of and from religion there…. Where I come from the issue of religious freedom is pretty hot and cold, you’re either in or out, and religion is the law of the land… I get stuck with all the ne’er-do-wellers that choose not to follow the rules of my old boss. Fine by me… I just don’t get why Rick doesn’t understand the Constitution of the country he is trying to lead.”


 

Santorum plans to meet with Satan sometime next week to hash out a plan to negotiate between their theological differences of opinion. The talks will happen in an undisclosed location, and Santorum will surround himself with 35 priests as his security detail. As the power of Christ compels Santorum to meet with the Dark Lord for the good of his country, only time will tell to see if the two of them can come to some sort of agreement without the need for force.

Santorum is prepared to do everything he needs to do to protect the nation from Satan, he will put the entire military budget towards Holy water, crucifixes, and nifty travel-size Bibles and prayer booklets for each and every citizen of the nation. He will not allow Satan to overcome this land, he will purify its intent and lead the nation into Glory! OR so he thinks.

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