In a startling political move, Republican officials have unveiled a potential new presidential candidate just weeks before the Iowa Caucus, during what many would argue is the 11th hour of the nomination process.
The candidate gave a brief address in front of a large crowd in Ames, Iowa on Monday morning. Speaking in a low, halting voice, he introduced himself as “Senator A. Malgam”.
Although many in the crowd had expressed excitement at the possibility of a new hopeful joining the widely unappealing Republican field, it soon became clear that the man’s appearance, while oddly familiar, was also off-putting. Although Senator Malgam’s head appeared to be bandaged, stitches were still visible low across his forehead, and his pallor was alarmingly grey.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said slowly, his voice creaking. “I stand before you as a conservative who is also an intellectual, as well as a historian, a shrewd businessman, a God-fearing Christian, and finally, a man who has been steadfastly faithful to his wife of over thirty-five years.” With considerable effort, he raised a hand with a grimace to wave at his wife in the crowd. A row of coarse black stitches also extended across his wrist.
“Hi, honey,” the candidate croaked. Several in the crowd gasped audibly, and a child began to cry.
“I have always been against state-mandated healthcare, and I have never even set foot in a Tiffany’s,” A. Malgam continued, weaving unsteadily behind the podium.
He surveyed the audience with a glassy-eyed stare. “Is there anything else you need to know?” he asked, almost plaintively. “Anything else I can say to help you make up your minds? Believe me; I am everything you could possibly want in a Republican presidential nominee. It’s all right here.” He gestured towards himself and gave a sickly smile.
“Although it is currently hidden beneath a bandage,” he added, “I also have a fantastic head of hair.”
A smattering of boos from the audience caused the man’s head to jerk unnaturally to the side.
“They say Republicans don’t know how to compromise,” A. Malgam continued loudly, trying to win back the crowd. “But I’m here to prove that we are able to compromise, on an incredibly basic level, and to an almost chilling extent.” He was beginning to sound angry.
“Trust me,” he said. “You people don’t even know what compromise is.”
As the jeers from the crowd increased, he began to stagger off the platform in a series of spastic movements.
“Vote A. Malgam!” he shrieked, before tumbling off the back of the stage.