Herman Cain Leaves GOP Race To Spend More Time With His Pizza

Herman Cain announced on Saturday his intention to suspend his run for the GOP nomination, citing the noticeable nationwide decline in the quality of pizzas since he started his bid.

“Not too many people know this,” said Cain, addressing the Associated Press, “but as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza I was involved on a daily basis in every aspect of our company’s pizza marketing, baking, and delivery.  Do you think pizza just sells itself?”

“This is the same reason we have CEOs in virtually every industry – oil CEOs, video game CEOs, CEOs for liquor and beer companies.  Someone has to mastermind precisely how to get consumers to buy these products.  Without a CEO, well, let’s face it – nothing gets done.  And that’s why the compensation we receive is entirely justifiable.”

“But I digress,” continued Cain.  “I’m here to speak to you about my personal decision to suspend my campaign.  I tasted a Godfather’s pizza the other day – and I no longer tasted myself anywhere in it.  It used to be that eating a Godfather’s pizza was like eating me – I mean, you could practically taste me in it – but not anymore.”


“And so I intend to return to the day-to-day creation of pizzas, until everyone once again agrees with our company’s new slogan: Godfather’s – It’s Like Having Herman Cain in your Mouth.”

Cain admitted that should the country’s pizzas return to the quality they possessed before his run for the nomination, and also if some kind of magical spell were cast on the population making everyone forget how messed up he is, he would consider un-suspending his campaign.

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