Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Wednesday when they successfully petitioned the U.S. Congress to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies.
JLC founder, Texas Governor Rick Perry stated, “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I personally enjoy having the hole in my backyard filled up. The Grand Canyon is not profitable but the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will be. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.” The religious community agreed. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of alter boys on their knees and having good time.”
Of course the liberal tree-huggers were in an uproar, using inflammatory language such as “deeply saddened” and “heartbroken” to describe their “feelings”. Luckily, conservatives are immune from these pesky emotions that seem to always dictate liberals’ responses. During the press conference, one such liberal actually raised their voice and accused the JLC: “While I understand and appreciate your beliefs and respect you very much, it breaks my heart to see such natural beauty destroyed. I’m sorry; I think I may have raised my voice to you. I’m deeply ashamed of my thoughtlessness. While we may disagree about this issue, I’m sure we will be able to come together in harmony in the future.” In response, the JLC spokesperson replied, “Go fuck yourself!”
The demise of the Grand Canyon will certainly leave many dismayed at the loss of such breathtaking natural beauty. For those people, Governor Perry has left us with a parting thought, “There is nothing on Earth as magnificent as a Jesus look-a-like shooting an AK-47 at a few ‘endangered’ animals. Now that is true beauty.”
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.