Church of Scientology Launches Media Campaign

The Church of Scientology has just launched a new media campaign in an attempt to encourage new followers to their faith.  The ‘I am NOT a Scientologist’ campaign is somewhat similar to the hugely successful ‘I am a Mormon’ campaign that shows everyday people proclaiming their membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Tom Cruise, celebrated over-compensator, explained how the Scientology campaign would be different,

“Mormons want to show that they are part of the mainstream of society.  Scientologists want to do the exact the opposite.  We are not typical everyday people.  The simple reality is that we are better than everyone else.  Our campaign will start with pictures of average people telling you that they are not Scientologists.  We want to emphasize the message that Scientologists are superior.  More importantly we will show that absolutely anyone can become a success by joining our church.”

According to the official press release the campaign will include two separate parts.  The first will use images of people who are homeless, drug addicted or mentally ill.  They also plan to include the entire field of Republican presidential candidates.  The press release describes the people in the campaign as “a bunch of losers”.  The campaign will use images of these people in a series of magazine, on-line and television ads.  Each ad will include the caption line ‘I am NOT a Scientologist’.  The second part of the campaign will begin two months later.  The new ads will show how the lives of these same people have changed since they joined The Church of Scientology.


Mr. Cruise elaborated about the changes that would be shown,

“We will show how the people who joined our church have changed and become superior to everyone else.  They will have roles in movies and be cast in reality TV shows.  They will appear on talk shows and in the tabloids.  Some will even be seen on TMZ.  They will all have become incredibly successful in whatever field we have chosen for them.  One of them will even have secured the Republican nomination for president.”

In a statement released later Mr. Cruise clarified that the candidate who joined the Church of Scientology would win the Republican nomination, but would not be able to defeat President Obama in the November 2012 general election.  According to Mr. Cruise, “The miracles offered by Scientology are vast, but given the current Republican field there is no fucking way that we could get any of them elected President.”

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