Giant Asteroid Approaches Earth But Passes on Causing an Impact

At 23:28 GMT on Tuesday, an asteroid the size of a $6.2 billion Nimitz aircraft carrier came within 201,700 miles (324,600km) of the earth, according to NASA scientist S. Kevin Larrison.  Larrison, who was being interviewed by cell phone from his office in a former broom closet at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, said,  “And then it just stopped, and turned around.  It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen,” and added, “It was a miracle with all the budget cuts that we were even able to see the damn thing.”

NASA had been tracking Asteroid 2005 YU55 for years preparing for a doomsday scenario.  Michael Dostrunamas, director of the agency’s Center for Empirical Data and Prophecy, predicted that a direct impact by the asteroid would have caused massive hunger, destroyed infrastructure, a considerable spike in unemployment, and the need for new multi-trillion dollar Federal Reserve loans to giant financial institutions that, according to Dostrunamas, are just “too damned big to fail even in the face of an asteroid apocalypse.”

According to a source within the White House, President Barack Obama was briefed on the impending end of civilization as we know it last Wednesday and immediately called a secret beer summit with Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), and, for some strange reason, noted doomsday prophet Harold Camping.  There was no comment from any of the participants of the particulars of what was discussed during the meeting other than whether to order pizza from Pizza Hut, a big donor to Boehner’s friend Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA), or from the slightly more expensive, but locally owned pizzeria at the end of the block.

When pressed Wednesday as to the why the direness of the situation of possible utter annihilation was not revealed to the public, neither the President nor the Speaker had immediate comment.  After repeated calls, a staffer for Speaker Boehner finally stated, “What?  Let something like THAT out and have to cancel a $20,000 a plate fundraiser because of panic, rioting, and looting?  Don’t you know we’re in the middle of the most important campaign season since the last one?”


Early Wednesday afternoon, a spokesman for Asteroid 2005 YU55 released a statement to the press.  The spokesman, known only as Marvin, stated: “After careful consideration, the entity you know as Asteroid 2005 YU55 realized it could not cause nearly as much damage as you have already caused yourselves.  Besides, not even something as dumb as a rock wouldn’t want to get involved in that mess.”

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