Herman Cain: “You miss one hundred percent of the gropes you don’t take.”

Speaking in front of a large group of supporters on Monday, presidential hopeful Herman Cain took the opportunity to discuss his personal philosophy on achieving success in the modern world, as well as what it means to take the necessary risks involved.

“Only those who dare to fail miserably can one day succeed at grabbing breasts spectacularly,” said Cain, paraphrasing T.S. Eliot.  “It’s undeniable, that though discovering new horizons may lead to losing sight of the shore, I promise I will get back to your shore – once I discover your new horizons.”

Displaying the down-to-earth charm that rocketed the Godfathers Pizza CEO to the forefront of the GOP nominees for president, Cain told the young voters in attendance that he was especially concerned for their future, and thought maybe they would like to come over to his hotel suite later tonight for a discussion focused entirely on them.  He explained that they would need to ask at the front desk for ‘Dirk Darington’s’ room number, as he couldn’t quite remember it off-hand.

“If that doesn’t work,” said Cain, “ask for Mack Pounder’s room.  I’ll be honest, I can’t recall which alias I’m using right now either.  Just one of the consequences of being on the road so much.”


Waxing philosophically, Herman Cain ended his speech by noting that “true success comes in inches, not miles.”

“Holy crap – success comes in inches… there is a damn good line in there somewhere,” said Cain, his eyes trailing off into the distance, his hands thoughtfully groping the air in front of him.

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