Entire Command Structure of the NYPD Arrested & Detained

In a surprise and surprisingly peaceful operation this morning, the entire command structure of the NYPD was arrested and detained as a threat to public safety. There were reports of several bottles of pepper spray being deployed and multiple tasings in the process – but apparently no rubber bullets, flash grenades or tear gas canisters were deemed necessary to subdue the miscreants. There is one unconfirmed report that a single tear gas canister did go off, but it had not been deployed by any of the arresting officers. It seems that a certain new Deputy Inspector assigned to Staten Island had one in his back pocket and it exploded when he tripped and fell after having been pepper sprayed into submission.

Officer Francis Muldoon, 54, of the Bronx’ 53rd precinct, explains, “The big wigs have been sending us out to push around them Occupy Wall Street protestors the last couple weeks and as far as the guys down at the precinct can see – we talk, you know, ‘mongst ourselves – most of them protestors are pretty decent kids. A little worked up, sure, but good kids on the whole – not to mention all them old folks and veterans out there marching too. Anyway, the guys’ been talking and, well, the only real violence we’ve seen is when some of our white shirts have gotten carried away and started pepper-spraying everybody willy-nilly. Anyways, the guys’ been talking and we decided that in the interests of TRUE public safety – it was our duty to lock up the troublemakers. One thing led to another and by the time we was done, the whole of upper management was under lock and key.”

Officer Muldoon’s partner Officer Gunther Toody added, “Ooh! Ooh! Francis!”

We were unable to contact Mayor Bloomberg for a comment before press time, but unconfirmed reports suggest he has barricaded himself in his office protected by a squad of private security contractors assigned to him by Citibank.

More on this breaking story as Homeland Security permits.

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