Trio of Spirits Teach Hell House Operator True Meaning of Halloween

While Keenan Roberts thought he’d spend this Halloween the way he spends most of his time – praying a lot and not masturbating – a threesome of ghosts had other ideas for the Destiny Church pastor.

Roberts was visited earlier in the day by an apparition claiming to be the tormented spectre of Reverend Jerry Falwell, who warned him he would be visited by three spirits that evening.  The pastor initially dismissed the vision as a hallucination brought on by too much grape juice.

“Reverend Falwell ended up being pretty convincing,” said Roberts, speaking on the phone from his Colorado home.  “He had these chains around him, his clothes were in tatters, and this strange, ethereal piece of fried chicken was suspended in mid-air, just a bit out of his reach.”

“He warned me, he was like ‘I was such a fool, I should have been encouraging people to enjoy life and not worry about something that’s harmless, blah, blah, blah.’  So I asked him if this was his punishment in the afterlife because he spoke out against Halloween, and he said ‘No, this is just my Halloween costume.  Like it?’”

Pastor Roberts, however, said it wasn’t until the first spirit of the evening appeared that he began to take the warning seriously.

“This little kid shows up, well… I guess it was a little ghost kid,” continued Roberts, “and he’s got an O.J. Simpson mask on.  He said he was the Ghost of Halloween Past.  Apparently he got hit by a car while out trick-or-treating, and that’s how he died, but he said that night was still the best time of his life – better than Christmas even.”


The Ghost of Halloween Present, a 13-year-old girl dressed up as a prostitute, drove the point home when she explained Halloween had been a great compensator for the rest of her year when her dad pretty much ignored her.

“The ghost girl said last Halloween was great because her dad ‘freaked’ when he saw her costume – he screamed that there was no way she was going out of the house like that,” said Roberts.  “He was ultimately right, since she slipped while sneaking out of her second floor bedroom window and fell to her death.  But again, she said it was worth it, ‘cause Halloween is so ‘awesome.’”

Pastor Roberts said he had been ‘pretty much convinced Halloween was okay’ by the time the second ghost finished up, but a third spirit appeared anyways, dressed as the ‘Grim Raper.’

“He said he was from a Utopian future where people like me don’t exist anymore, and neither does rape, so he said it was okay for him to joke about it with a Halloween costume.  He did mention that no cure existed in his time for death caused by drunkenly taunting your neighbor’s large dog, and that’s kinda how he became the Ghost of Halloween Future.”

Pastor Roberts, having learned the true meaning of Halloween, has promised his Christian Hell House will pay proper homage to Halloween from now on.

“From this Halloween forward, I promise to only fake scare people.  No more telling them that non-believers go to hell, or that rock music is Satan’s music.  There will just be fun stuff.  You know, like, ‘Hey kids!  Could that be my imprisoned evil twin, Alan Roberts, bumping around in the attic?’” laughed the pastor.  “Or, ‘Oh, let’s look in this room, sweet ‘ol Granma Roberts is in the kitchen preparing something for dinner – wait a minute… what happened to Grandpa Roberts???’”

“I’ll keep the house’s faux abortion clinic room going though,” said Roberts, pausing thoughtfully.  “We’ll just take away the moralizing and add more gore, that’ll be fun.”

“And maybe we can do some kind of animatronic thing with the fetuses.  It’s Halloween after all.”

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