Moving with the kind of preternatural fiscal grace and business agility he could never hope of possessing physically, Hank Williams Jr. signed a deal with the History Channel on Thursday to sing ‘Git oot da Way Scale Creatures!’ – the new opening theme song for the show ‘Swamp People.’
“I always been fascinated by people that don’t need to know anything to live day-to-day,” said the hefty, borderline special needs country star. “Some people, like the ones that live near people they ain’t blood related to, they gotta go and learn crap that no one should have to. I’m green with envy over these swamp folk, I wish I could join them and kill gators.”
Williams Jr. has said it was easy moving on after parting ways with ESPN. While his former network insists it let him go, the son of country music pioneer/legendary baby name inventor Hank Williams has said he handed them his ‘royal, yessir, I quit this place notice!’ months earlier.
“They’re sayin’ they told me to go, but I told them to go, go away, before they even thought about jawin’ it to me!” said the rotund mass of jiggly flesh-jelly and body hair. “I said it in other realities, this reality, in the past, in the future, I’m sayin’ it right now, I quit that place, not the other way. When you print this, you be sure and capitalize every other word I say and print some of my words in all big letters, too. Help me get my point across.”
While it’s uncertain who ESPN will hire to fill Hank Williams Jr.’s spot on Monday Night Football, reps for the network insist they intend to aim for a replacement of similar charm and intelligence. Suggestions so far have ranged from Toby Keith to an over-watered cactus.