Perry Announces Program to Boost Texas Tourism

Official Press Release

Rick Perry for President

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry today announced a new program to bolster Texas tourism. “We are reinstituting public executions in Texas,” Perry said from his office in Austin. “Not only that, but we will no longer require executions be held in Huntsville. Now each of Texas’ 259 counties is empowered to execute capital sentences at the discretion of county officials.”

 

Perry said he envisions a number of economic benefits. “We now have 259 potential laboratories, each one seeing what the cheapest and most efficient method of execution is,” he said. “This is a great opportunity for entrepreneurs to develop new methods of cost-effective killing.” Perry said he could envision 4-H students practicing execution methods with farm animals, or even using stray dogs from their local pound. “This could save animal control a tremendous amount of money if it catches on,” Perry said.

 

The Governor was nostalgic as he described his vision. “You know, you look at the photographs and woodcuts from the 19th and early 20th centuries, and you see public hangings on courthouse squares across the country. And people gathered for these hangings. They loaded the family up in the wagon and hitched up the mule, took a picnic to the county seat. There they met with friends, the children played, and everybody had a ringside seat at some great free entertainment – watching a guilty man swing by his neck! There’s no reason we can’t do the same thing today, just load up the kids and a cooler in the minivan, drive down to the county seat and have a really great day. Merchants in the towns where these executions took place would see a large influx of customers.”


 

“I bet, if this catches on, you will even have tourists coming in from out-of-state, bus tours, maybe even chartered planes full of people from New York or Wyoming, coming to Texas to see a hanging like it hasn’t been done in a hundred years!” Perry continued.

 

“Also, it will be an object lesson to our children,” he said. “Get too far out of line and….”

 

Perry emphasized that only humane methods of execution would be allowed. “We want to see what the free market can produce,”  he said, “and we don’t care if it hurts, but if it hurts it needs to be quick. We will not tolerate prolonged, agonizing pain, even of a man guilty of murder.”

 

Governor Perry said he is “sure that this is what the people want. You saw how those people at the debate cheered when my record of executions came up. America WANTS to execute dangerous criminals, and I aim to do it in a very public way. And if we can build up the economy of the great state of Texas while doing so, then so much the better. Our capital criminals are a capital resource!”

 

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