Panic Strikes As Turtle Like Creature Is Seen Lurking In The D.C. Area

The Capitol Mall and surrounding areas were evacuated as the 911 system was flooded with calls about bizarre sightings of a turtle like creature that stood about six-feet tall with a pasty white complexion and sagging skin protruding from its head. Teachers hastily herded children back on to their buses as the D.C. police and federal agencies scrambled to the scene. Donna Jones, a tourist from Indianapolis described the scene as chaos, “There were children screaming and people running in a state of complete panic, it was just awful.. it was a horrifying experience. I had no idea what it was, it was like seeing an alien or a Big Foot sighting, it was completely beyond belief.”

The panic caused a shut down of the Capitol building as Capitol police cordoned off the area and secured the perimeter. Speaker of the House John Boehner rushed back to the Capitol hastily, leaving his golf game in the middle of the fourth hole. The Secret Service posted extra security around the White House and the president was transported to a secure location for the duration of the crisis by Marine Corps One. The Joint Chiefs of Staff convened an emergency meeting with president. Then White House Press Secretary Jay Carney released this statement to the public, “The entire might of the federal government and the D.C. Police Department is working tirelessly to resolve this crisis. We are mobilizing all of our available assets to protect the citizens of this city and our nation from this threat.” The FBI and local police were working all leads and a BOLO (be on the look out) was issued for Washington D.C. and the surrounding areas.

Mental health professionals and clergy were dispatched to counsel those who were emotionally stricken by the encounter with the creature. Scores of traumatized children and rattled adults filled the make shift crisis center. Counselors were hard pressed to keep up with the need for post traumatic counseling.

After several hours of searching and investigating, special task force spokesperson FBI Agent Nicole Williams said, “after several hours of investigation and interviewing several hundred witnesses we have determined that an unfortunate misidentification has taken place. It appears that Minority Senate Leader Mitch McConnell was misidentified by several hundred witnesses while the Senator was on his morning run on the Capitol Mall.” We made several inquiries to the Minority Leader’s office but they declined to make a statement at this time. But an inside source tells us that the Senator is going to use the Senate gym for his morning runs from now on.

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