“The world’s mayonnaise product lines were long-overdue for a shakeup,” said Kelvin Ailes, Kraft Food’s senior VP in charge of Theoretical Condiment Delivery. “I’m proud Kraft was the first with its boots on the ground, so to speak.”
One might think Kraft would be wary of new forays into condiment spreading systems after the series of lawsuits brought on by the Mustard Bustard – a high pressure pump-action tube that blasted mustard in a perfectly circular or linear fashion, depending on the barrel attachment used. Ailes, however, expressed confidence Mayo Sprayo is safe.
“I understand and feel horrible – just horrible – about all the blindings and ear drum damage caused by the Bustard,” Ailes confided. “I realize the warnings about proper usage of the MB were insufficient, and the concept itself was perhaps a bit ahead of its time. The same issues absolutely will not happen here – the speed at which Kraft mayonnaise is ejected from the Mayo Sprayo is perfectly safe, and at the same time will significantly improve a busy parent’s sandwich-creation productivity levels.”
Not to be outdone, Heinz released a statement last Monday that its recent test trials for ‘Ketch-shlop’ were successful. According to the company, consumers can expect to be blowing out the tomato paste from preloaded ketchup straws as early as next summer.