Santorum Campaign Is ‘Well-Oiled And Not Afraid To Get Dirty”

Senator Rick Santorum has become so discouraged by his foundering presidential campaign that he has decided to make a dramatic and unusual change in his strategy for how his campaign will deal with a delicate problem that has dogged it from the start.  “Many in the press have talked about my ‘Santorum Problem’ as being a hindrance to my campaign.  So I have decided to turn the tables on that problem.  From now on I intend to embrace the santorum that is inside of me and turn what has been a negative into a positive.”  The former Senator from Pennsylvania is referring to the adoption of his last name as a word that was defined by Seattle sex advice columnist Dan Savage as a “frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”  This new word has become so popular that Mr. Savage’s website spreadingsantorum.com is the first result that appears on Google search of ‘santorum’.

The Senator elaborated on his new strategy, “I was meeting young people who knew of the word santorum, but had no idea who I was.  It was at this point that I realized that the word was actually more popular than the man.  I told myself this has got to stop.  From now on Santorum the man and santorum the noun have to be thought of as one in the same.”  The Senator appeared to be basing this new strategy on a re-evaluation of the intelligence of the average Republican primary voter, “The only hope my campaign has at this point is if I can ride the wave of the Spreading Santorum campaign.  Hopefully the voters will become confused, mistake my name for the word and vote for me in the Republican primaries.”  He also appeared to be hoping that he could benefit from some latent homosexual tendencies among his potential voters, “Honestly, I do believe that there are some Republican voters who may prefer the other kind of santorum.  They may be unwilling to admit to that in public, but in the privacy of the voting booth they will be safe to allow those feelings to influence how they vote.  It will benefit me and I am just fine with that.”


When asked if he had any message for Dan Savage the Senator responded, “You bet I do, I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart.  Without spreadingsantorum.com my presidential ambitious would have been sunk long ago.  So in your face Savage!  I am taking this santorum that you gave to me and spreading it all over my body.  I am wallowing in the santorum.  I am going to take this santroum all the way to the White House.”

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