New Mexico Governor Resigns and Deports Herself Accordingly

The (now formerly) Honorable Susana Martinez announced her resignation as the 31st Governor of New Mexico on Wednesday, confessing that her paternal grandparents were in fact illegal immigrants – making, she said, “my own father one of those terrorist anchor babies the Republican Party has been working so tirelessly to save America from.” Tearfully, she went on to allow that her grandparents’ flagrant criminality obviously made her a “terrorist anchor grandbaby.”

Her apologies were described by a New Mexico GOP spokesperson as “both sincere and heartfelt like all GOP apologies.” A reporter who spontaneously burst into laughter at that remark was tazed, handcuffed and removed from the room by the State Police.

At the press conference, Ms. Martinez exclaimed, “I was horrified to learn of my grandparents’ crimes against the American people and although I was not actually born at the time they committed these heinous acts, I still share fully in their shame and culpability.” The former governor has a proud record of strenuously battling the plague of illegal immigration that has beset America – most recently by working to repeal a state law that allows illegal immigrants to get driver’s licenses.

In her last public act as governor – an office she now admits she had no right to seek nor to hold – she renounced, as the New Mexico GOP spokesperson gleefully put it, “her ill-gotten citizenship.”

Ms. Martinez arrived at the border crossing in Antelope Wells, NM on Thursday and presented herself to Mexican border officials in an attempt to deport herself to Mexico. Unfortunately, she has been repeatedly rebuffed by those officials who note that she does not hold Mexican citizenship (she was not born there nor is she a naturalized citizen of Mexico) – and, “More to the point,” observes an unnamed Mexican official, “The silly gringa wannabe no longer has any sort of passport – she admitted to me that she stupidly burnt her American one after she decided it had been acquired as a result of some sort of criminal activity of her poor abuelitos.”


Reporters have also questioned how Ms. Martinez got herself to Antelope Wells, since at her Wednesday press conference she also claimed, “As a leader in the campaign to deprive illegal immigrants from having American driver’s licenses I forced myself to burn it along with my passport.” With no valid driver’s license she would have been unable to legally drive herself to the border. Fortunately, it appears she knew someone who knew someone who knew someone and was able to “hitch” a ride to the border crossing in Antelope Wells, NM.

Unable to enter Mexico legally, Ms. Martinez announced that “the honor of her family demands that I take matters into my own hands, that’s all I’m saying.” She was last seen on Sunday, striding out into the empty desert near the official border crossing, with a large sunhat, a bottle of Perrier and dragging a small Gucci overnight bag behind her. Although friends and family are concerned about her safety alone in the desert heat, New Mexico Republicans are thrilled to see her go, an unnamed senior GOP official noted testily, “Why did she have to be an illegal? Jesus Christ, a sex scandal we could have worked with, but an illegal alien? We can’t do a thing with that. Good riddance and ‘adios, baby!’

 

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