REPORT: Fear Found Highly Contagious, Experts Urge Quarantine Of Media

REPORT: Fear Found Highly Contagious, Experts Urge Quarantine Of Media

With fear abounding over Ebola in the United States, experts urge caution of something found even more risky and contagious — fear. Fear spreads like wildfire in a heavily susceptible environment, especially one that makes money off of selling it. It would seem that citizens in the United States are constantly looking for something to be afraid of next. When that something presents itself, the corporatized media spreads it like the plague. Many then catch it and spread it to […]

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Ebola Reaches Critical Profit Point To Finally Make Western Medicine Care

Ebola Reaches Critical Profit Point To Finally Make Western Medicine Care

For more than three decades Ebola has been ravaging parts of Africa. The most recent onslaught of the deadly disease in Western Africa has been utterly catastrophic to entire nations, leaving many to cope with horrific loss. Well, now that the virus has reached the United States and enough Americans are terrified, because it’s no longer just happening to other people on the other side of the world, the for-profit health care industry finally seems to give a shit. “We’ve […]

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Chris Christie Now Says He Wants GOP To Charge Voters A Toll At Voting Booths

Chris Christie Now Says He Wants GOP To Charge Voters A Toll At Voting Booths

New Jersey’s blustery Republican governor made headlines yesterday when he joined other right-wing governors in their efforts to impose stern and undemocratic voting restrictions. Christie, who vetoed a bill that permitted early voting and messed around with the voting process in the state of New Jersey during last year’s special Senate Election, now wants to the GOP to control voting mechanisms, according to the Bergen Record. Doubling down on his initial comments on voting, Christie now says that he wants […]

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Pandemic Sweeps America As More And More Baby Boomers Are Lost To Fox News

Pandemic Sweeps America As More And More Baby Boomers Are Lost To Fox News

It’s like something out of a movie, and it’s right under our noses as we here in the United States ignore an ever-spreading pandemic. Last year alone, we lost more than 80,000 Baby Boomers to Fox News. “It’s taken over my father’s brain,” said Susan M., 34, of Denver, CO. “It’s as though he’s lost all ability to think rationally and come up with thoughts of his own. I asked him about the weather and he snapped back, “That Marxist […]

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Fox News Viewer Forced Into ‘Detox’ After Being Exposed To Reliable Source

Fox News Viewer Forced Into ‘Detox’ After Being Exposed To Reliable Source

After years of watching only Fox News as a source of information, Kansas native Walter Binchelgrass, 64, stumbled upon BBC after punching the wrong number into his remote. He hasn’t been the same since. At first Binchelgrass became withdrawn from all his usual activities, then he stopped eating. He started thinking everything he ever did before was a lie. Finally, family members intervened and asked what was wrong. When Binchelgrass explained he had finally seen truthful reporting and didn’t know […]

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Texas To Only Allow Voting In Red Districts

Texas To Only Allow Voting In Red Districts

With the ongoing debate about voter ID continuing in Texas, no one seemed to notice a bill get passed under the radar regarding polling places. A new law that passed along party lines was just signed by Governor Rick Perry which only allows voting to happen within districts that predominantly vote Republican. All other previous voting locations will be shut down until further notice. “This new law is in the best interest of Texas,” said Gov. Perry in an exclusive […]

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President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama is about to tell ISIS to “look at the flowers.” In an effort to combat the increasing presence of ISIS militants in Iraq and Syria, President Obama is sending in Carol from The Walking Dead to take them out in a matter of minutes. “Airstrikes are working,” said the or president in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post. “However, they are just no working fast enough. After watching last week’s episode of The Walking Dead the answer […]

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Whistleblower Reveals Modern Day News Run By Hypochondriacs

Whistleblower Reveals Modern Day News Run By Hypochondriacs

As fear of Ebola in the a United States is ever-increasing due mainly to the news media overblowing facts and reality, it has come to the attention of Free Wood Post that all news outlets are run by hypochondriacs. Recently, we were contacted by an anonymous source, who for the moment has chosen to remain in the dark. This whistleblower has revealed that the head of every news outlet in the nation (television, print, online) are headed by worrisome hypochondriacs. […]

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Mitt Romney: I’m Desperately Trying To Stay Relevant

Mitt Romney: I’m Desperately Trying To Stay Relevant

If there’s one person who can’t quit the political limelight, it’s Willard Mitt Romney, and recently in a sit-down interview with Free Wood Post he revealed why he must appear in every election cycle. “Well, to be honest, I’m doing it for my dad. I’m trying to finish what he started. I’m desperately trying to stay relevant. Coming around again every election cycle makes me feel important. As though people love me. I came so close last time. You saw […]

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Kim Jong Un Just Trying Out His New Invisibility Cloak

Kim Jong Un Just Trying Out His New Invisibility Cloak

There has been broad speculation as to where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been recently. Many assume he’s fallen ill, while others think he’s being ousted in some form of coup d’etat. Recently, Free Wood Post caught up with the dictator who stepped forward to us because of our legitimacy and standards in journalism. As it turns out, Un hasn’t gone anywhere, but rather just wearing his new invisibility cloak that he got as a present from American […]

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Chris Christie Now Says He Wants GOP To Charge Voters A Toll At Voting Booths

Chris Christie Now Says He Wants GOP To Charge Voters A Toll At Voting Booths

New Jersey’s blustery Republican governor made headlines yesterday when he joined other right-wing governors in their efforts to impose stern and undemocratic voting restrictions. Christie, who vetoed a bill that permitted early voting and messed around with the voting process in the state of New Jersey during last year’s special Senate Election, now wants to the GOP to control voting mechanisms, according to the Bergen Record. Doubling down on his initial comments on voting, Christie now says that he wants […]

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NFL Tax Exempt Status Explained: Football Recognized As Religion In USA

NFL Tax Exempt Status Explained: Football Recognized As Religion In USA

For years, many have wondered why the National Football League (NFL) receives a tax exempt status. All of the teams are for-profit entities, but the NFL seems to get away with being, somehow, nonprofit. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explained in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post that the reason the NFL is categorized as a not-for-profit is because football is a religion in the United States. “Football is a sacred sport in here. It’s a religion. People have dedicated […]

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Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings

Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings

It appears Red Bull has gotten themselves into a sticky situation, and not just their product spilling all over the floor of some bar somewhere. Several consumers of the energy drink are upset because they never sprouted wings post-consumption as the product suggests in all advertising. “I really wanted to fly like a bird,” said Tiffany Crumple of Florida. “I drank a good twelve gallons of the stuff, stood in front of the mirror and nothing. I waited for days […]

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President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama is about to tell ISIS to “look at the flowers.” In an effort to combat the increasing presence of ISIS militants in Iraq and Syria, President Obama is sending in Carol from The Walking Dead to take them out in a matter of minutes. “Airstrikes are working,” said the or president in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post. “However, they are just no working fast enough. After watching last week’s episode of The Walking Dead the answer […]

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