Exhausted After Doing Nothing, Congress Takes Two Month Vacation

Exhausted After Doing Nothing,  Congress Takes Two Month Vacation

WASHINGTON D.C. — After a few days back in Washington D.C. doing nothing but grandstanding and poppycocking, Congress is exhausted and will be taking a 57 day break. “It’s hard doing so much beating around the bush,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “Thinking of excuses to not pass bills and blaming the Democrats even though I’m Speaker of the House isn’t always easy. Then I have to coordinate with the Senate and make sure they’re stalemated as well. I’ve been […]

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NFL’s Roger Goodell Shocked To Find Out Referee Flags Aren’t Thrown For Illegal Hits At Home

NFL’s Roger Goodell Shocked To Find Out Referee Flags Aren’t Thrown For Illegal Hits At Home

In recent weeks, the NFL has come under an enormous amount of scrutiny regarding players involved in domestic abuse, both spousal and child. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell claims that he didn’t realize that these hits weren’t being flagged. He’s become accustomed to players being monitored by referees on the field and assumed that the same was happening at home to keep things fair and safe. “Too bad we can’t have referees in the homes of all these players,” said Goodell […]

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Halliburton: $39.5 Billion From Iraq Wasn’t Enough, Excited For Possibility Of More

Halliburton: $39.5 Billion From Iraq Wasn’t Enough, Excited For Possibility Of More

Well if there’s anyone who’s definitely ready to get deeper into Iraq it’s those over at Halliburton. In fact, they seem giddy. The current Halliburton Chairman is over the moon that there may be a continuing conflict in Iraq. “That’s where all the best contracts come from, but from 2003 on we were only able to pull in measly $39 and a half billion. I mean, that’s after Cheney… err.. umm… I mean, after we were promised by an undisclosed […]

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U2 Stealing Storage Space From Good Music On Millions Of Devices

U2 Stealing Storage Space From Good Music On Millions Of Devices

  With the announcement earlier last week of the iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus, and the Apple Watch, Apple head Tim Cook also announced that everyone with an iTunes account receive the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’ for free. In fact, it appeared on its own, within the users music library. It would seem however, that many aren’t too pleased with this “free download” because its taking up valuable storage space on many mobile devices. “If it was a […]

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EXCLUSIVE: John McCain Apologizes To Supporters For Sarah Palin, “Inflicting Her On Our Proud Nation”

EXCLUSIVE: John McCain Apologizes To Supporters For Sarah Palin, “Inflicting Her On Our Proud Nation”

After news broke of Sarah Palin and her family getting into a drunken snowmobiling brawl, Sen. John McCain’s office reports they have been inundated with calls and emails from angry supporters who blame the Senator for introducing her to the nation. In response, the Senator has begun sending out letters apologizing. We obtained one such letter, which reads: Thank you for your note. Yes, I too was horrified when I read about Sarah Palin and her family getting in a […]

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GOP Votes To Keep Their Sugar Daddies

GOP Votes To Keep Their Sugar Daddies

In a vote that would overturn the Citizens United decision, many Republicans got queasy at the thought of losing all their unlimited cash. Not to worry though, Republicans came through and get to keep their Sugar Daddies like Charles and David Koch after all. “It really came down to what I feel is necessary for the country, and that is for me to win elections and reap the rewards of voting in favor of my Daddies,” said Senator Lindsey Graham […]

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Breaking News: Apple Announces Another Exciting Product

Breaking News: Apple Announces Another Exciting Product

Just yesterday Apple announced, to much hype , the long anticipated iPhone 6, the even bigger iPhone 6 Plus, and the Apple Watch. Apple was applauded for making phones bigger and coming up with the totally original phone/watch. Now, Apple can join the ranks of LG, Motorola, Sumsung and Android, who have had smart-watches for years. Then today, another stunning announcement — This one didn’t generate the months of anticipation and hype but it will surely turn the technology world […]

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Fox News Busy Prepping Critique Of President Obama’s Suit Ahead Of Tonight’s Speech

Fox News Busy Prepping Critique Of President Obama’s Suit Ahead Of Tonight’s Speech

Fox News knows what matters most regarding President Obama’s speech about ISIS tonight — his suit. They have been working diligently for the past two days coming up with various forms of criticism regarding the president’s attire. This hard-hitting journalism is truly what matters most. Ever since the tan suit debacle from a few weeks ago, Fox News would make the recently departed Joan Rivers proud with their best and worst suits lists for the president to wear. They have […]

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Man Who F*cked Up Iraq Criticizes Man Piecing It Back Together

Man Who F*cked Up Iraq Criticizes Man Piecing It Back Together

If there’s anyone who knew how Iraq would turn out, it’s Dick Cheney, yet he pushed for the war anyway. Now, he can’t seem to stop criticizing President Obama who’s currently trying to stop ISIS from devouring the region. A region that was left up for grabs because the US invaded, occupied, and created a power vacuum. “It’s not my fault,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney in an exclusive interview to Free Wood Post. “It’s President Obama’s fault for […]

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Canada Apologizes For Weak Border Security, Allowing Ted Cruz To Cross

Canada Apologizes For Weak Border Security, Allowing Ted Cruz To Cross

In recent years border security has been a hot button debate. Usually however, when discussing the border, most are referring to the southern border along Mexico. Recently though, after witnessing the distress and chaos caused, Canada has stepped up to apologize for weak security measures. In a press release from Canadian Parliament: “It has come to our attention that the border security between the United States and Canada was not quite strong enough during the year 1974 when Rafael Edward […]

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Exhausted After Doing Nothing, Congress Takes Two Month Vacation

Exhausted After Doing Nothing,  Congress Takes Two Month Vacation

WASHINGTON D.C. — After a few days back in Washington D.C. doing nothing but grandstanding and poppycocking, Congress is exhausted and will be taking a 57 day break. “It’s hard doing so much beating around the bush,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “Thinking of excuses to not pass bills and blaming the Democrats even though I’m Speaker of the House isn’t always easy. Then I have to coordinate with the Senate and make sure they’re stalemated as well. I’ve been […]

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ESPN Gives Play-By-Play Of Michael Sam Brushing His Teeth

ESPN Gives Play-By-Play Of Michael Sam Brushing His Teeth

ESPN has been very detailed lately regarding the daily hygiene habits of St. Louis Rams defensive end Michael Sam. Recently, ESPN has let us know when Sam showers, and now we’re getting the play-by-play of his dental routine. According to Josina Anderson of SportsCenter, he brushes his teeth at least twice per day. “I’m standing outside the home of St. Louis Rams defensive end Michael Sam and receiving word that after the football player woke up he made a brilliant […]

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Breaking News: Apple Announces Another Exciting Product

Breaking News: Apple Announces Another Exciting Product

Just yesterday Apple announced, to much hype , the long anticipated iPhone 6, the even bigger iPhone 6 Plus, and the Apple Watch. Apple was applauded for making phones bigger and coming up with the totally original phone/watch. Now, Apple can join the ranks of LG, Motorola, Sumsung and Android, who have had smart-watches for years. Then today, another stunning announcement — This one didn’t generate the months of anticipation and hype but it will surely turn the technology world […]

Continue Reading →

U2 Stealing Storage Space From Good Music On Millions Of Devices

U2 Stealing Storage Space From Good Music On Millions Of Devices

  With the announcement earlier last week of the iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus, and the Apple Watch, Apple head Tim Cook also announced that everyone with an iTunes account receive the new U2 album ‘Songs of Innocence’ for free. In fact, it appeared on its own, within the users music library. It would seem however, that many aren’t too pleased with this “free download” because its taking up valuable storage space on many mobile devices. “If it was a […]

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