Texas To Only Allow Voting In Red Districts

Texas To Only Allow Voting In Red Districts

With the ongoing debate about voter ID continuing in Texas, no one seemed to notice a bill get passed under the radar regarding polling places. A new law that passed along party lines was just signed by Governor Rick Perry which only allows voting to happen within districts that predominantly vote Republican. All other previous voting locations will be shut down until further notice. “This new law is in the best interest of Texas,” said Gov. Perry in an exclusive […]

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President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama is about to tell ISIS to “look at the flowers.” In an effort to combat the increasing presence of ISIS militants in Iraq and Syria, President Obama is sending in Carol from The Walking Dead to take them out in a matter of minutes. “Airstrikes are working,” said the or president in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post. “However, they are just no working fast enough. After watching last week’s episode of The Walking Dead the answer […]

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Whistleblower Reveals Modern Day News Run By Hypochondriacs

Whistleblower Reveals Modern Day News Run By Hypochondriacs

As fear of Ebola in the a United States is ever-increasing due mainly to the news media overblowing facts and reality, it has come to the attention of Free Wood Post that all news outlets are run by hypochondriacs. Recently, we were contacted by an anonymous source, who for the moment has chosen to remain in the dark. This whistleblower has revealed that the head of every news outlet in the nation (television, print, online) are headed by worrisome hypochondriacs. […]

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Mitt Romney: I’m Desperately Trying To Stay Relevant

Mitt Romney: I’m Desperately Trying To Stay Relevant

If there’s one person who can’t quit the political limelight, it’s Willard Mitt Romney, and recently in a sit-down interview with Free Wood Post he revealed why he must appear in every election cycle. “Well, to be honest, I’m doing it for my dad. I’m trying to finish what he started. I’m desperately trying to stay relevant. Coming around again every election cycle makes me feel important. As though people love me. I came so close last time. You saw […]

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Kim Jong Un Just Trying Out His New Invisibility Cloak

Kim Jong Un Just Trying Out His New Invisibility Cloak

There has been broad speculation as to where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been recently. Many assume he’s fallen ill, while others think he’s being ousted in some form of coup d’etat. Recently, Free Wood Post caught up with the dictator who stepped forward to us because of our legitimacy and standards in journalism. As it turns out, Un hasn’t gone anywhere, but rather just wearing his new invisibility cloak that he got as a present from American […]

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Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings

Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings

It appears Red Bull has gotten themselves into a sticky situation, and not just their product spilling all over the floor of some bar somewhere. Several consumers of the energy drink are upset because they never sprouted wings post-consumption as the product suggests in all advertising. “I really wanted to fly like a bird,” said Tiffany Crumple of Florida. “I drank a good twelve gallons of the stuff, stood in front of the mirror and nothing. I waited for days […]

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Suspected Ebola Case Thankfully Just Demonic Possession

Suspected Ebola Case Thankfully Just Demonic Possession

A recently suspected Ebola case in Texas has thankfully turned out to just be a simple case of demonic possession. The public had grown nearly hysterical with thoughts that this could be the beginning of an unstoppable plague that would be unable to be contained. When word of the potential infection first surfaced, there were immediate calls to stop all airline flights to and from the United States and to quarantine anyone with so much as a sniffle. Some had […]

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Governor Perry Closes All Borders To Texas Fearing “Ebola Terrorists”

Governor Perry Closes All Borders To Texas Fearing “Ebola Terrorists”

In an unprecedented move Texas, Governor Rick Perry has ordered that all roads that lead in and out of Texas and all borders be closed. Massive fences have begun going up all around the state. In a press statement made this morning, the Governor expressed his fear that more Ebola terrorists might try to enter Texas. In an effort to save the good people of the Lone Star state, Perry had every border sealed. Texas currently holds the one known […]

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Bruce Rauner Attorney: My Client Should Be Able To Buy Votes Under Citizens United

Bruce Rauner Attorney: My Client Should Be Able To Buy Votes Under Citizens United

SPRINGFIELD, IL — Attorneys for Republican gubernatorial candidate Bruce Rauner argued in court this week that he should be allowed to use his millions to buy votes as part of his campaign. Citing the Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision, lead attorney Ted Olson argued that “Bruce Rauner is rich. Super rich. He’s in the 1%. And the Supreme Court says that money is political speech covered by the First Amendment. So we are saying that forcing Mr. Rauner to buy […]

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Doomsday Preppers Excited About Ebola

Doomsday Preppers Excited About Ebola

As Ebola was diagnosed earlier this week for a man in Texas traveling from Liberia, many across the nation have started to get worried that it could spread. However, there’s one group of people who couldn’t be more excited for a potential pandemic — Doomsday Preppers. “Everybody told me I was crazy,” said Elaine Ringerbottom of Colorado speaking from her sealed bubble in the basement of her home in an exclusive interview to Free Wood Post. “They said I was […]

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Texas To Only Allow Voting In Red Districts

Texas To Only Allow Voting In Red Districts

With the ongoing debate about voter ID continuing in Texas, no one seemed to notice a bill get passed under the radar regarding polling places. A new law that passed along party lines was just signed by Governor Rick Perry which only allows voting to happen within districts that predominantly vote Republican. All other previous voting locations will be shut down until further notice. “This new law is in the best interest of Texas,” said Gov. Perry in an exclusive […]

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NFL Tax Exempt Status Explained: Football Recognized As Religion In USA

NFL Tax Exempt Status Explained: Football Recognized As Religion In USA

For years, many have wondered why the National Football League (NFL) receives a tax exempt status. All of the teams are for-profit entities, but the NFL seems to get away with being, somehow, nonprofit. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explained in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post that the reason the NFL is categorized as a not-for-profit is because football is a religion in the United States. “Football is a sacred sport in here. It’s a religion. People have dedicated […]

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Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings

Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings

It appears Red Bull has gotten themselves into a sticky situation, and not just their product spilling all over the floor of some bar somewhere. Several consumers of the energy drink are upset because they never sprouted wings post-consumption as the product suggests in all advertising. “I really wanted to fly like a bird,” said Tiffany Crumple of Florida. “I drank a good twelve gallons of the stuff, stood in front of the mirror and nothing. I waited for days […]

Continue Reading →

President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama To Send In Carol From The Walking Dead To Destroy ISIS

President Obama is about to tell ISIS to “look at the flowers.” In an effort to combat the increasing presence of ISIS militants in Iraq and Syria, President Obama is sending in Carol from The Walking Dead to take them out in a matter of minutes. “Airstrikes are working,” said the or president in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post. “However, they are just no working fast enough. After watching last week’s episode of The Walking Dead the answer […]

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