Nostradamus Predicts Mega Quake for May 28

Nostradamus Predicts Mega Quake for May 28

   Nostradamus, the famed 15th Century seer who published a collection of prophecies has predicted a Mega Quake for May 28. The quatrain reads as follows: “The trembling so hard in the month of May, Saturn, Capricorn, Jupiter, Mercury in Taurus: Venus also, Cancer, mars, in Virgo, Hail will fall larger than an egg.” There is in fact a planetary alignment on that date and the USGS has warned recently that the risk for the “Big One” striking California has […]

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Aliens Refuse to Create Crop Circles in Monsanto Fields

Aliens Refuse to Create Crop Circles in Monsanto Fields

   In a stunning turn of events, not only has alien life revealed itself to humanity, but they’ve let it be known that they will no longer attempt to communicate with the United States. Their most popular form of communication, has for decades, been the formation of crop circles in agricultural fields. However, since the U.S. continues to use Monsanto genetically engineered crops, the aliens will no longer attempt to communicate with us. Genetically engineered crops, or GMOs, pose a […]

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Scott Walker Signs Law Declaring Himself a ‘Genius’

Scott Walker Signs Law Declaring Himself a ‘Genius’

   Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern.  This morning, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated:  “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may […]

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Jesus Christ To Boycott Indiana Over New Anti-Gay Law

Jesus Christ To Boycott Indiana Over New Anti-Gay Law

After the anti-gay “religious freedom” law was signed by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence (R) many celebrities, organizations, businesses and even cities have spoken out against the law and are boycotting Indiana. Many are fed up with the legalized discrimination, but none more so than the biggest celebrity of all — the Son of God. Jesus recently spoke with Free Wood Post regarding the new Indiana law. “They say they are in favor of religious freedom, but I’m not sure which religion […]

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Indiana Requiring All Gay Residents To Wear Sensor That Will Trigger Alarm Upon Entering A Store

Indiana Requiring All Gay Residents To Wear Sensor That Will Trigger Alarm Upon Entering A Store

As an amendment to Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, all LGBT citizens will be required to register with the state so that they can be mailed a sensor to wear on their body at all times. The sensor is so that any business that doesn’t want an LGBT individual entering their establishment will be notified immediately of their arrival and an alarm will sound. These sensors will be much like a modern day version of the ‘Star of David’ Jewish […]

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After Signing Up For Obamacare, Ted Cruz Recites Dr. Seuss Again — I DO Like Green Eggs And Ham!

After Signing Up For Obamacare, Ted Cruz Recites Dr. Seuss Again — I DO Like Green Eggs And Ham!

After years of trying to dismantle the Affordable Care Act via repeal, defunding, or shutting down the government, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has just signed up for his dreaded Obamacare. After doing so, he jumped up, took to the streets and starting shouting to everyone he could (It’s a Wonderful Life style) how much he loves it, how grateful he is to have access to it, and how sorry he is for the many years he’s been trying to get rid of […]

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Ted Cruz Already Announces Jesus Christ As His Running-Mate For 2016

Ted Cruz Already Announces Jesus Christ As His Running-Mate For 2016

  Not long after his much-awaited announcement in front of a required attendance audience at Liberty University, Ted Cruz made another announcement. This time seeming a little premature, and well, slightly crazy. Pretty much assuming he’ll win the Republican nomination for president, Cruz took to social media and his website to announce his running-mate. And who better to choose than a person who will undoubtedly lock down the Christian evangelical vote — Jesus Christ. Now, I know what you’re thinking […]

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Jesus Saves — By Switching To Geico

Jesus Saves — By Switching To Geico

Early on Tuesday, Jesus, formerly of Nazareth, went on Google to figure out  ways he could save people today, and then thought to himself, “What about me? I’d like to save too.” So upon one Google search he noticed a link that said, “Save 15% by switching to Geico,” and Jesus knew this would be his chance to save himself bigtime. He went to the Geico website and plugged in all the pertinent information and clicked “submit.” Low and behold, […]

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Kanye West Gets Head Stuck in Rectum, Hospitalized

Kanye West Gets Head Stuck in Rectum, Hospitalized

  According to early reports, popular rapper Kanye West has been admitted to a Los Angeles hospital due to a serious rectal blockage. Allegedly, West got his own head lodged in his rectum, causing severe spinal and intestinal injuries and further brain damage. Dr. Dean Rueter, Kanye’s surgeon, was able to comment on the matter. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” he said, chuckling. “Sorry,” he added. “This is a very, uh, unusual injury, so my staff and I are […]

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GOP Also Send Letter to Netanyahu — ‘RE: Iran — You’ll Get Your War’

GOP Also Send Letter to Netanyahu — ‘RE: Iran — You’ll Get Your War’

Republicans have decided to take up the art of correspondence and have recently picked up a few pen-pals. First, they send a letter to Iran bypassing the President of the United States declaring how stupid they are in their understanding of foreign policy and how things work. Then, they sent a letter to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel letting them know that their stupidity regarding their letter with Iran should get Israel and the United States steps closer to […]

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Scott Walker Signs Law Declaring Himself a ‘Genius’

Scott Walker Signs Law Declaring Himself a ‘Genius’

   Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern.  This morning, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated:  “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may […]

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New Evidence Suggests Tom Brady Ate His Wheaties Morning Of AFC Championship

New Evidence Suggests Tom Brady Ate His Wheaties Morning Of AFC Championship

With the news of New England Patriots’ footballs being insignificantly deflated in the AFC Championship against the Indianapolis Colts starting to dwindle in the media, a new startling allegation has been made known. ESPN is reporting Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady has been accused of performance enhancing. New evidence suggests the star QB ate his Wheaties the morning of the game. “This is outrageous!” said Seattle Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman. “Who’s to say he’s not going to eat Wheaties again before […]

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Susan B. Anthony on New $20 bill, Valued at only $15.40?

Susan B. Anthony on New $20 bill, Valued at only $15.40?

Earlier today, President Obama announced that he will sign an executive order removing President Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill and replace him with women’s rights advocate Susan B. Anthony. The idea was inspired by the organization Women On 20’s who is currently conducting voting on which heroic American woman should be the new face of the $20 bill. However, according to South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham the new $20 bill is likely to cause mass confusion. “We have […]

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Kanye West Gets Head Stuck in Rectum, Hospitalized

Kanye West Gets Head Stuck in Rectum, Hospitalized

  According to early reports, popular rapper Kanye West has been admitted to a Los Angeles hospital due to a serious rectal blockage. Allegedly, West got his own head lodged in his rectum, causing severe spinal and intestinal injuries and further brain damage. Dr. Dean Rueter, Kanye’s surgeon, was able to comment on the matter. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” he said, chuckling. “Sorry,” he added. “This is a very, uh, unusual injury, so my staff and I are […]

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